The L Word

While most of my prepubescent peers were worried about their bodies changing, I was worried about the people filming me from the shadows. On the flipside, I was certain I could fly so it would make a great show. The delusions went on and grew from there. The people filming me remained faceless but their presence, well their presence has and always been near. To add insult to injury, if there’s ever been a time where I wasn’t riding on some messed up pendulum of emotion it most likely happened while I was under anesthesia. It sure wasn’t while I was high. Wait. I will get to that at some point but for now, let’s just keep walking down this path, shall we? Anyhow, I can’t contain myself most times. For example, I am bug fuck crazy in love with my husband, but I commanded him to leave me two weeks ago. I’m not talking about some dramatic overkill argument demand. I’m talking I unleashed hell and told him it was the only way for him to be happy. Think releasing a hostage. Keep in mind, my brain felt like it was on fire. Today, it was, “Hey sexy, come see me when ya get out of the shower.” I wish I could say I’m unmedicated but I’m as a good of a liar as an aardvark is an elephant. Let me get to Lithium before I continue. It’s my L word. It’s because of Lithium that I live in hypomania rather than just full-bore mania. And this, is why people who claim all I need is cannabis or vitamins or exercise or the newest popular cure enrage me. I don’t mean annoy or offend me. I mean it takes me a week to be just annoyed by them. Hell, I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. I had the same response to being prescribed Lithium. It appears to me everyone has a solid opinion about it. Often times, it’s negative. One moment they’re talking about how it makes people fat and the next moment they’re rattling off about Litium Barbie Dolls. Whoa! Slow down. I knew it was supposed to help chemical imbalances, but I could come out physically morphed? That’s some next level shit. Weight gain is a factor for a lot of people, including me. I’m already prone to being a big woman. I’ve gained weight but levelled out. Here’s the rub, the changes in my body and brain chemistry make it easier for me to be me. That said, it’s because of those changes my body processes calories differently. I’m terribly self conscious and I see myself as three times larger than what I am. What happened to Barbie Doll? When does that happen? Wow! Do I even want that? Let’s take a look at that bitch. She’s plastic. She has no nipples or a real peach. She smiles all the damn time. To make it worse, her only option for a man is one who doesn’t have testicles nor variety. I thoroughly enjoy sex with my metalhead geek with my real peach. Maybe I don’t like all of me physically but my husband does. Is it necessary to chase after the unattainable? Considering I got fat and not plastic, I think I got the better end of the deal. Lithium did me good. I have been on all but four psychotropic medications on the market. Nothing has worked. I was taking one where I believed I could jump out a moving vehicle on the freeway. I wasn’t suicidal. I was compelled to do so. I tried another that got me to convince myself that bulldozers were lightweight and soft. Lithium in combination with another, evened me out. I still live in hypomania. I will probably always live here. As long as my husband is with me, I can accept that. Am I telling everyone who’s bipolar take Lithium? No. I’m just saying it works for me. Am I saying to take medication only? No. I don’t just take medication alone. The yahoos who think I should do something other than medication will be happy to know that Lovie Doll and I walk twice a day no matter the weather. Those who preach vitamins will be happy to hear I take several different supplements to include Vitamin D and 40,000 units to boot. I have other therapies like raising a Green Cheek Conure…umm…that’s like manning a toddler with scissors for teeth but I like a challenge.

“You know how most illnesses have symptoms you can recognize? Like fever, upset stomach, chills, whatever. Well, with manic depression, it’s sexual promiscuity, excessive spending, and substance abuse—and that just sounds like a fantastic weekend in Vegas to me!” – Carrie Fisher

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