I’ve been watching Stymy (my bird) hold on to the side of his cage as he flaps his wings like he’s trying to fly as fast as he can. His cage door is open, there’s nothing stopping him from flying out, and yet, he stays like he’s stuck. He’s stuck in his cage like I’m stuck in my head. Oh, I could leave if I wanted to. Sometimes, I think I’m firmly planted there because I have no other option. Nothing can be farther from the truth. I choose to stay here. I’ve been told not to go through my head alone because it’s a frightening place. True, but I have always kept my own council. And true, again, that’s not entirely true. What I mean is, I can be truly unedited in there. I don’t have to worry about painfully awkward encounters or hurting anyone. I can think in multiple loops, on loop, for as long as it takes to work through what I need to. However, I know I shouldn’t remain here and I’m using my time here to come up with some plans. I love plans, by the way. Plans and budgets, oh my, how they please me so. What I’ve been cogitating is creative ways to supplement my income and maybe, donate to a cause. I would love to donate to POMC, Parents of Murdered Children. I have considered everything from writing a book to making my plush voodoo dolls. I miss being creative. I want someone to just tell me what I should do. I get worried about it though. I will hit a manic and be super productive. Then, out of nowhere, BAM!! Down for the count. I hate the cycle. I fucking hate the cycle. I don’t cycle fast. It never ends. It’s always one or the other. It’s like being given choice a sunburn or patchy dry skin. I guess the silver lining would be I get to justify my addiction to cocoa butter.
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can’t ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more – Smashing Pumpkins “Zero”